My Long Hiatus

It's been long enough since my last post that I probably am long overdue for an explanation. I had typed out a lengthy story and saved it as a draft, but after re-reading the draft, the realization occurred to me that it contained just a little too much information that my friends and family DON'T need to know about me. So, I shall spare you all the details, after all, only my sister and closest confidant knows the whole truth and only the truth. Suffice it to say that I met a guy, things became very close, very fast, and now said guy and I are no longer together. Like everything I do, I gave 100% of myself over to the experience. The relationship lasted just shy of a month and I learned more than I thought I ever needed to know from him. That said, if I ever see that rat-bastard again, he better have my money or I'ma bust him in the kneecaps. Don't show your face 'round New Orleans, Evan. Just sayin.

In between that time and now, my social life has been relatively stagnant, which is strange for me. March had St Patrick's Day, which was a nice, welcomed celebration after the departure of Evan. After the parades, I danced the night away at the bar across the street from the apartment w/NOFD's finest and my neighbor Al, and I drank so much I woke up dizzy the next day; I STILL managed to make it to work!

April had me in Atlanta on business for a week-that's when my world changed. While I kinda knew it was coming, the news still managed to blindside me. My client told me that in order for me to eventually accept the promotion that I'd been being groomed for for the last year, I would HAVE to move back to Atlanta, she needed me nearby. I never really knew how much New Orleans meant to me until someone told me I'd have to leave, and I quite literally cried myself to sleep the night after my meeting. On paper, the decision is easy to make: more money, better status w/in the company, and (finally) a change from what I've been doing for the last 10+ years-no more "glass ceiling". The reality of such a decision is much more complicated, though.

Leaving New Orleans means leaving a part of Independent Jackie behind (if you're familiar w/Seinfeld, you'll understand the reference). It means no more community feeling where I can walk to everything beneath the shade of 200+ year old oak trees. It means no more street cars and 24hr washeterias where you can drink and play pool while your clothes play in the spin cycle. It means no more falling asleep to the sounds of the barges passing in the night as they traverse the Mississippi. It means no more bridges illuminated w/thousands of lights and the city as its backdrop, or sitting on my balcony listening to the cicadas amidst the warm, salty breeze coming off the ocean and marshes. It means no more fairs or festivals where everyone is happy to see you, you can ALWAYS find gator on a stick, and the biggest problem anyone has is to figure out if they should stop dancing or try and make it through another song before locating a port-o-let. And I won't even get started on the cuisine to which I have become so accustomed it's like I've lived nowhere else.

Returning to Atlanta means returning to all the drama and nonsense and pain I left behind that was the impetus of my leaving in the first place. It means returning to working 10-12 hour days and battling endless hours of traffic just to go and get something to eat. It means having to live amidst smog and stagnant air that only catches a breeze if a front is coming through. It means water restrictions and pollen counts long after spring has sprung. Returning to Atlanta means I have to be a different kind of Jackie in a different city with a different culture.

As you can see, I have struggled w/the decision a great deal. I tried to figure out if the reason why I was so upset at the prospect of having to move was just that I didn't want to leave New Orleans or if it was that I didn't want to return to Atlanta-they're two VERY different concepts. After a tremendous amount of contemplation, I've decided that its really both. I don't want to leave NOLA, but I'm also not jumping at the thought of returning to Atlanta. If my client had told me that I could have the job, but that I'd have to move to Chicago (for argument's sake), I still would have been upset, but probably not quite so distraught.

Now, obviously, we all know I'm going BACK to Atlanta. The facts remains that I no longer have a husband; I don't have any children; I have my cat and my career and that's easily transportable from one locale to another. If all of this sounds sad and depressing to you, it really isn't my intention. Happiness is what you make of it and I know I can find a way to be happy in Atlanta. After all, returning to Atlanta also means returning to family and friends and familiar, beautiful places, skylines that can be replicated nowhere else, and breathtaking changes of season. Most of life is in the little, simple moments, we just need to be observant enough to take notice. The ETA of my relocation is still up in the air; my company has not actually given me the job yet. We still have a lot of red tape to go through, but I'll keep you posted.

The rest of my life has been punctuated by the above. Amy came to visit in May, and as usual, we had a blast, but I kept wondering if this was going to be the last time we'd be able to hang out w/me as an actual resident, w/a physical home in my beloved city.

Becky and Brianna came to visit for Memorial Day at the end of May/beginning of June. I love when they come to visit and I cry every single time they leave. It will definitely be nice to be closer to them and be able to see my two favorite girls every week.

July brought the 4th and Brianna's first camping trip, albeit to an oil-stained Gulf Coast. The journey took me 8+ hours when it should have only taken 3 at most. I also managed to get myself into TWO separate car accidents on the way to Pensacola. That's what happens when I have to sit in traffic for so long when I've become UN-used to it! Look out Metro Atlanta motorists; Chappy is heading back to the city!!! Our holiday was definitely an experience! After the first night, when we slept through storms and wind, Brianna woke up and said "Mommy, I'm not a fan of sleeping in tents!". That kid cracks me up. We had a tremendous time, but I was EXHAUSTED when I got back.

And now we're in August. I have to be back in Atlanta for work the 23-27. I've tried to line up a couple of condo showings when I'm in town, but until my company actually gives me the job, I'm not moving. I've worked in Corporate America long enough to know that nothing is said and done until its signed, sealed, and delivered. Until then, I guess I'll need to keeping pickin 'em up and puttin 'em down waiting for someone to make a decision and pull the trigger. I do, however, need to get out of this mental funk that is keeping me from enjoying my last couple of months here as a resident. Depression is a bitch and I didn't really realize I was kinda feeling that way until I just wrote it down...... Eh...where's the bourbon?

I should know better by now

I'll have to explain in a later post, but right now, I need a cathartic release and this is the only form of cleansing my brain and heart can tolerate....too much booze 'ill get cha in trouble.

Because I will never be quite as eloquent as I'd like, I had to channel Cowboy Mouth and Shawn Mullins (a FAB artist from ATL, if you're not familiar) to bring about the catharsis:


Cowboy Mouth....
If I put my faith in someone who was only trying to bring me down
I will stand, where I am standing now
Should've known there'd be danger
When I saw your face in the crowd
I used to believe in the love songs
Took me so long to back down
Every word you say takes my breath away
But I should know better by now


Shawn Mullins...
I’ve lost count of the times I’ve given up on you
Well all the plans that you had
Like all the promises you make
I watched them come and go
When you go too far,
Beautiful wreck you are
What a beautiful, such a beautiful
A beautiful wreck you are
What a beautiful, such a beautiful wreck

Bacchus Ball 2010

With Mardi Gras comes the Bacchus Ball. And ya'll know me-any chance to put on a fancy gown, some faux jewelry, get my hair did, and go out and party, I'm there.

I hadn't gotten a chance to upload the photos from the ball to the blog just yet-they've been on Facebook for a bit....sorry family! Although some of the newness had worn off, I had a great time. Matthew's family was as wonderful as the first time I met them-always hospitable and warm. Thank you guys for the tickets-hopefully I'll have a date next year!

Drew Brees, King Bacchus 2010, was so adorable and this was the first time in the history of Bacchus that a woman (Drew's wife) was allowed to ride on a float. The opening band was great (forgive me, but I'm totally blanking on who they were) and the place was PACKED! It took FOREVER to get all the floats through the convention center, and I was actually tired by the time it was all said and done-it's hell gettin' old!

Here ya go:

Happy Mardi Gras!!

It's that time of year again....I know the folks who've lived here their whole lives are totally over the whole "Mardi Gras" thing, but I LOVE it! The parades, the merriment, the balls-bring it on!

Becky and Brianna came down for some of the festivities. Fat Tuesday itself is not until February 16, 2010, but since they'd never been down here for any part of the Carnivale Season, I thought it would be good to ease 'em into the whole experience. After all, dropping them in the middle of St Charles Avenue on Tuesday might have been more than they could handle, and Bourbon Street is DEFINITELY not some place I couldn't take my 3yr old niece-ESPECIALLY on Mardi Gras.

Bearing the above in mind, when my two favorite girls were here visiting, off parading we went. It was BRUTALLY cold and windy here (which lead to me taking sick after Beck and Bri left), but I think everyone had a great time. I always miss Becky and Brianna when they leave-more than words could ever express.

Here are some of the pics. Brianna has struck up a friendship w/Lanie Murray (the daughter of one of my friends) and she's the other little girl you'll see in some of the pics. The Bacchus Ball is tomorrow. Got my gown all lined up and ready to go! Those pics will be forthcoming....HAPPY MARDI GRAS!!!

I Believe

Unless you've been living under a rock somewhere, you know that the Saints recently won the Super Bowl. Its nearly impossible NOT to become enveloped by the love this city has for its team and it's even more difficult to articulate exactly how much joy has been ringing through the parishes for days upon days. The pride of all who live here is infectious, and I'm so happy to have been a part of witnessing history. I will remember this Super Bowl and the emotions I felt, as well as the emotions felt by all around me, for the rest of my life. What an incredible day!

The more and more I pontificate on my decision to relocate, the more and more I stand convinced the move was the best decision I've made for my life. In trying to find a song to correspond to the happiness I feel, "I Believe" by Cowboy Mouth immediately came to mind. I've always been a huge fan of the band, founded here in the great city of New Orleans, and if I ever meet Fred LeBlanc on the streets, with his remarkably deep voice and high energy, I may very well swoon. Let's just hope I'm standing near a patch of grass when that happens....

I couldn't locate the song to upload it to the playlist that plays w/my blog, so the lyrics below will have to do along w/a link to the band playing the song live. The song is so filled with hope and faith that the lyrics have moved me to point where I am w/out speech. I'm with ya, Fred; I believe in the power of love and that New Orleans is always gonna be my home...


I Believe


Cowboy Mouth


Whatcha gonna do with the restlessness inside you worried mind

How you think you're ever gonna get ahead when you feel so far behind

Step inside this endless moment for a subtle touch of grace

I've always found my strength inside the act of faith



I believe in the spirit of Rock N Roll

In the eternal strength of the immortal soul

Cause sometimes everybody's gotta let it go

I believe in the power of love



I believe in the sounds of Sam and Dave

That little children should occasionally misbehave

That all that you get is all that you gave

I believe in the power of love



Little boy staring out a windowsill to a world that doesn't care

Everybody 'round is so much bigger that they don't even know he's there

But one day he's going to grow to be a man and maybe then they'll see

He'll provide the hope and care for the family



I believe in the chance of love at fist site

That your life doesn't always have to be a fight

And if you do it at all you ought to do it right

I believe in the power of love



I believe that sometimes you got to take a stand

That you're holding my heart when you're holding my hand

Cause everything eventually is in gods hands

I believe in the power of love



I have got to take the best of me and keep that heart alive

Why'd I ever want to shut that down and kill my soul?



I believe that sometimes you've got to take a chance

That you can't live your life just listening to can't's

Cause the thrill of the ball's part of the thrill of the dance

I believe in the power of love



I believe that we never really are alone

'Cause there's so much more than anything we've known

New Orleans is always gonna be my home

I believe in the power of love



I believe in the spirit of Rock N Roll

In the eternal strength of the immortal soul

Cause sometimes everybody's gotta let it go

I believe in the power of love



I believe in the power of love



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCeX6ZRB6HM

2009-A Year in Review

Seems the month of January got away from me! We're already 23 days into 2010, and I'm just now sitting down to write this entry. Its not that I haven't had the time, I just too often find that I have a difficult time articulating myself-shocking, I know-and writing gets put on the back burner.

2009 was challenging, to say the least. I had to learn to live completely by myself, in a strange and new place. I've never had to live alone before, to only be responsible for answering to myself. The beginning of the year found me running loose in the city, not quite sure WHAT to do w/my newly found independence. To say that I was a little reckless would probably be putting it mildly. I was entirely UN-Jackie-like. A little carelessness was part of what I needed, though, to start putting away the past and looking toward a new future. Don't worry, Mom, drugs never entered into the picture; I'm just a little too afraid of dying (and losing my job) to cross that line.

I also had to say goodbye to my best friend and companion for the last 11 years, Miss Dallas. She was my cornerstone for my entire adult life, and although I've had to say goodbye to pets before, nothing was as hard as losing Dallas. She fought a brave and courageous battle against cancer and chronic kidney failure, but in the end, the disease was simply too much for her to bear. I miss her every single day. Levi and I have both had to make the transition to being without Dallas, something that's proven very difficult for the two of us. Rest in peace, Sweet Pea.

Work has been just that-work. It's taken some time to get used to the different personalities and temperaments in my new office. I left a nice, new, big, close-to-a window cubical in a 21 story high-rise office building where most people came dressed in suits and ties everyday, to work in a 5 story, pretty shoddy building, in a cubical that has relatively poor light and is nowhere near a window. I can't tell if its day or night outside-it's like working in a strip club w/out the nakedness or the alcohol. I'm fortunate, though, to have made a few close friends in the new office-they're truly great people who have definitely made my transition easier.

Toward the end of 2009, I began volunteering at Children's Hospital here in the city. Some days are more active than others-I occasionally just answer phones and do paperwork-but every bit of help is needed and appreciated by the staff and the patients. While I knew it would be a rewarding and fulfilling experience, I can honestly say I love working at the hospital. It has definitely given me a new found appreciation for the nursing staff and every parent who has had to deal with a sick/injured child.

For 2010, my goals are simple. First, I've got to move out of this apartment. I adore the location, and I love the quaint charm and character of the building, but I'm ready for some modern day convenience. A bathtub and a dishwasher would be nice. Off-street parking would be good too. Summer temps will settle into New Orleans sooner than I care to imagine, and the thought of having another $300 electric bill for ONE month, in a 450 sq ft apartment, makes my stomach turn.

Second, its time to step up my philanthropic work. In a town surrounded by corrupt politicians, New Orleans is a city that has so much need. I've found a battered woman's shelter through the Catholic Charities that needs volunteers to prepare and serve meals that I hope to be able to sign up with very soon. I'd also like to organize a team of folks to work at a Habitat for Humanity home one Saturday. Unfortunately, though, I'm finding that many of the people in my office are not exactly inclined to want to give much of their time to help others. Don't get me wrong, there are a FEW folks, but the second I mentioned that I'd need a commitment for ONE WHOLE Saturday, I got a whole lot of push back from the majority. I guess one of my side goals needs to be to learn how to persuade and influence people!

Third, I want to start expanding my horizons by trying new things. That's why, starting next Tuesday, I will begin a weekly painting class. I bought my brushes this past Friday along w/some acrylic paint. My mother is a wonderful artist and designer, and honestly, I have no idea if any of that ability passed on down to me, but I'm certainly willing to take a stab and find out! If painting doesn't work out, maybe pottery will. If that doesn't take, I don't know....maybe try my hand at paper mache?

Fourth, and finally, I need to get back to taking care of me-eating right, exercising and yoga, vitamins, etc. etc. etc. I haven't been sleeping well lately, and I think it's my body and mind's way of telling me that after a year, they're ready to get re-centered. I still don't know how I feel about dating-I've yet to meet a single man here who's peaked my interest (except maybe one up at the hunting camp that I met over New Year's....but that's a story for later!). We'll see. Everything happens when it's supposed to.

So for now, that's my recap of 2009 and my goals for 2010. I'm excited about what this year holds in store and am looking forward to Mardi Gras, crawfish boils, crabbing, and festivals, to name a few. Out with the old, and in with the new!

374 Days Later

A sobering thought occurred to me a couple of days ago: I've been in New Orleans for an entire year already.... A whole year has passed since I packed up my gear and left Atlanta.... 52 weeks have lapsed since the day I officially moved out of the house I shared with my husband in Commerce to move to a town where I knew no one. So much has happened in the passing of a year that it's difficult to wrap my head around it all.

I don't regret leaving Georgia. It was the only way Ronnie was ever going to fully understand that our marriage was over, and Lord knows I needed a fresh start-a break from the lunacy. Between everything I went through because of the false allegations of a disgruntled employee, to the personal struggles I went through to end a 13 year relationship, let me just say a big "Thank you" to the man who invented anti-depressants! God bless you, my friend. The expression "beautiful disaster" certainly comes to mind.

When I made the decision to move to Louisiana, I told myself I'd give it at least two years to make a final decision on whether or not I'd stay in New Orleans for any length of time. It's a big decision to relocate, one that takes a good deal of planning for ahead of time. Recently, I've been contemplating whether or not to move back to Atlanta at the end of my self-imposed two year timeline, move down to FLA to be closer to my grandparents, or to simply stay here.

I love where I live in NOLA. My apartment has character and history, and even though the floors and walls aren't straight, the kitchen is the size of a closet, and I have no off-street parking, I'm happy here. I have everything I need within walking distance-bars, shops, pharmacy, grocery, coffee shops. There's always something to do if I feel like going out to a movie or a club, and if I feel like staying in, I'm perfectly at my leisure to do so. I'd prefer to have some single friends with whom I had something in common, but at this point in my life, married, settled friends are nice-there's no pressure there. In a way, the situation has actually given me time to grieve and deal with the emotional baggage and loss that comes with divorce. I'm still a long way from being at a point where I'd like to be in another relationship, and frankly, I'm not certain if I'll ever want to get married again, but I feel like I'm making progress sorting everything out.

I haven't made up my mind what I want to do regarding my home base, but thankfully, I still have more time to make a decision. I do know that I miss my friends and family so much that it physically hurts my heart sometimes. I long for lunches w/Amy, seeing my niece all the time, going to hockey games w/Jenn, and having our girls nights w/many bottles of wine and Apples to Apples. I yearn to see the sunsets in GA over the breathtaking downtown skyline and God, I miss good barbecue and soul food like you can only get in the A!

Until I can make a final choice on where to live long term, I'm looking forward to my first real Christmas in New Orleans (I didn't really celebrate last year since I'd just moved in) and I'm counting the many blessings I've had over this past year in my new home. I honestly wasn't too sure I'd make it, but I guess they call it "faith" for a reason.....