If this is what awaits me, I'll be happily single forever!

It was a Saturday night in June. As is now often the case, unless I've already made plans, I'd been lazily sitting around the house all day and had finally gotten up, cleaned the house, showered, and tossed in some laundry.

It was around 7:30pm, and I was starting to get a little hungry. My Turkish neighbor, Al, texted me and asked if he could come by and say hello to the cats (he cat sits for me when I have to go out of town). While I didn't really feel like any visitors, I hadn't seen Al in awhile, so I told him to come over. I told myself it was the neighborly thing to do.

Al came over, beer in hand (of course), and he sat down on my ottoman and we chatted whilst he visited w/Dallas and Levi (they LOVE him, btw). I was pretty famished by this time, having not eaten anything all day. Rather than be rude and tell him to leave because I was going out, I asked Al if he'd want to go out and get some food. After all, what's wrong w/sharing a meal w/a neighbor? I really wasn't planning on this being a date, but I know Al is kinda sweet on me, so why not? Al said he'd like to go and asked if I could wait for 15 minutes. I said sure, but told him to hurry.

Now, if you know anything about me, you know that when I get THAT hungry, I become rather mean. In fact, I think my ex-mother-in-law told me I could be an outright bitch when I'm hungry.....Nice. 15 minutes came and went, no Al. 20 minutes, 25 minutes, 30 MINUTES later, and he finally showed up. I think my comment to him was something like "You should NEVER keep a lady waiting." ....Hello pretentious brat (at least I can admit it!).

Al doesn't drive, not that he doesn't know how (or so he says), he just doesn't like to get behind the wheel. So, we hopped in the Volvo and headed down Magazine. I wanted wings so I took him to WOW-this bar/wing place down near me. There wasn't really anyone in the bar for a Saturday night, so we sat down immediately. That was where the pleasantries ended.

The waitress came over to take a simple drink order. Al couldn't decide what he wanted and asked her to come back.....She came back and he STILL didn't know what he wanted to drink! I ordered an Abita Amber draft and he finally just asked for the same thing. From here, the menu issues began. "What does he want?" "How hot is "hot" on the wing category?" "Am I gonna get wings?" Al must have looked at that menu for 20 minutes before making a decision. In the meantime, I told him, "I'm ordering an appetizer. What will you NOT eat?" Obviously, I didn't wanna get something the man wouldn't like! This spawned off into another 5 minutes of discussion. First he said chips and salsa. Well, unfortunately, the waitress was standing at the table when he said that, and as soon as he said "chips and salsa" she trotted off. I just assumed she was as exasperated by him as I was and was leaving to give him more time.

Eventually, Al decided he wanted fried pickles and fried mushrooms. Waitress came back, I placed the order and went ahead and ordered my food too. Al followed suit. While we're sitting there waiting for the apps, his critique began: "The floors are awfully dirty in here. Why can't they sweep?" "Look at the light fixture. That really needs to be cleaned." "Why aren't there more napkins on the table?" "This table cloth is sticky." "My silverware looks dirty." "The booths in here look like something from the Brady Bunch and what's up w/the strands of colored Christmas lights on the walls?" I finally told him he was in a bar and if he wanted some place clean, he shouldn't have chosen New Orleans as a place to live.

He was pretty loaded by this time so he turned the conversation to the Jews, Greeks, and Blacks. OK.....CHAPPY DONE! I sat there at the table looking at my neighbor thinking "My God when will this be over?!?!?" Around that time, the waitress brought out some chips and salsa. I asked her what it was and she said it was what he ordered.... "Ummm, okay..." We started nibbling. The man began double and triple dipping. "Hello, does proper etiquette mean ANYTHING to you?" When you barely know someone YOU DON'T DOUBLE DIP! I sat amazed, but it gets better, or worse, depending on how you're viewing the situation.

The waitress then brought out the fried pickles and the fried mushrooms, which would have been fine, if we hadn't already ordered wings and fries too! Ziggy Piggy! Al gobbled up the mushrooms amidst more complaining and a slew of offensive comments. The wings finally came and I just tried to get through them as fast as I could. Much to my surprise, the night got worse. As I was sucking down wings and chugging my beer, my neighbor, Al, does something so grotesque I was w/out speech..... The man blew his nose at the table. He proceeded to do this several times throughout what was left of the meal. And that was it for me.....CHECK!

The waitress brought the bill, just as Al wanted to toast to our first date. I rarely hold my tongue for anyone, so I pointedly told him this was NOT a date, and reached for the check. He asked why I didn't think it was a date, and as old school and cliche as this is going to sound, my response was "You're not paying. It's not a date." The bill, with THREE appetizers was $50 so he handed me a $20. I handed the book back to the waitress and asked her to process w/due haste.

On the way home, Al wanted to stop off at a new bar that's just opened up down the street from me, The Rum House. I, of course, said no, and drove us home. As I walked to my door, keys ALREADY in hand, he said we should definitely do this again. My response was a simple "no". He of course pushed for a more elaborate response, to which I replied "I have never, in my life, been at a table w/someone who complains about every little thing. You didn't stop complaining for one second and you couldn't make your mind up about ANYTHING!" Al was, thankfully, too drunk by this point to really comprehend what I was telling him, so I don't think I hurt his feelings....much.

Seriously, if the above is what awaits me in the dating pool, please, everyone, refrain from trying to set me up-ever.