No Air

This entry is going to take me awhile to get through because I have to keep stopping to wipe away my tears. I had to say goodbye to Dallas on Monday and my heart and soul ache.

Before I moved out here last year, I took both Levi and Dallas in for check-ups and shots. It was at this visit that Dallas was diagnosed w/breast cancer. After running a more comprehensive blood panel, they also determined that she was in renal failure. Having lost both Shaky and Zeke to CRF, I was not about to lose my Sweet Pea to the same damned disease.

Dallas' doctor and I came up with a game plan-come out w/all guns firing. After spending 3 days in the hospital on IV fluids, the vet determined it was safe enough to proceed with the surgery to remove the tumor. Because cancer tends to metastasize easily in both humans and cats, the decision was made to remove the entire mammary chain (the equivalent of a complete mastectomy rather than just lump removal). As you can imagine, the surgery was rough; Dallas developed complications that are common after surgery, even for people....fluid build-up around the lungs, for example. What made this time so much more difficult was that I was going through the end stages of the divorce and not even living w/Dallas at the time. In the end, she came through the surgery and only ended up popping one staple.

Several weeks later, both Dallas and Levi were with me in the moving van, driving to New Orleans to begin our new life. My Baby Girl endured constant trials in our attempt to manage the renal failure-daily fluid injections, meds of every kind put down her throat, routine bouts of nausea and vomiting, recurring ulcers and constipation-you name it, and she had it. Through all the treatments and side effects, though, Dallas bared everything w/strength and grace.


Dallas was my rock and my touchstone. She was my 20th birthday present and I chose her specifically. I can remember the day I got her, exactly what I was wearing, and how I felt holding her the first time. She slept curled up in the top of my overalls ALL the way to the vet to be checked out! Ronnie frequently made quips that I loved her more than I did him, and sitting here right now, it's hard to say such a statement ISN'T true in some respects. One of the hardest parts of going through my separation was having to leave my baby behind. The trips I made up there every week were JUST to spend time with Dallas and Levi.

Dallas saw me through everything : she stayed up with me during my late night cramming sessions for college, played with me when I was bored around the house, sat on top of my desk when I worked from home, and tried to comfort me every time Ronnie and I fought-w/out fail, amidst the shouting and yelling, Dallas would come and find me in whatever room I was in trying to get away from the husband, crawl up on my lap, give me a reassuring meow and corresponding head-butt, and snuggle up next to me until I stopped crying.


The day Dallas died, I felt like I lived an entire week in one day. Driving home from the doctor's office, I couldn't catch my breath...it just wasn't possible to fill my lungs w/air. Some will think me silly for placing so much emphasis on the life of a cat, treating the loss like it was that of a human being. I don't have children, and I may never-only God knows the ultimate outcome of that topic. I do know, however, that I treat my animals LIKE they are my kids-I teach them manners and how to behave; I take them to the doctor for wellness visits and when they're sick; I'm concerned with what they eat and try to ensure they get adequate nutrition; I brush them to make sure they're groomed properly and not looking wild; and I love them with everything I have. For all of this, I think I am entitled to my grief.

I know this gets easier. At 30, I've lived through enough to know that "this too shall pass". Eventually, I won't think I see Dallas everywhere, or mistake that I hear her meowing from another room. Sometime, wanting to take a nap and knowing that she won't be there to curl up under the covers with me will be easier to take. One day, the thought of coming home and NOT seeing her there won't hurt so badly. Until that day, though, its just me and Levi trying to cope with missing our best friend.


No Air
Jordan Sparks

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?

If I should die before I wake
It's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air, oh

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
If there was a way that I could make you understand


But how do you expect me
To live alone with just me?
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
There's no air, no air


Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon' be without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
There's no air, no air

I walk, I ran, I jump, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
With no gravity to hold me down for real


But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath but I survived
I don't know how but I don't even care

So how do you expect me
To live alone with just me?
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe


Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
There's no air, no air

Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon' be without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
There's no air, no air.

Work, work, work and more work

This week has been pretty hectic. I had my client in town, and an internal person new to my client's program, along w/a whole host of activities, dinners, meetings, etc. to attend and help coordinate. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy every minute of it, despite how mentally draining some of the events were. To be quite honest, though, I even enjoyed the brain-zapping mediation sessions, and no, I'm not a masochist. I just really, REALLY like what I do for a living-not in the way becoming a doctor would have been emotionally and psychologically rewarding; we all know that I'm not changing the world by adjusting claims and managing a desk. This job has its definite challenges and it helps to be able to "think outside the box" and get creative sometimes. Anyone who knows me knows I love a challenge and love to argue, so part of the fun I find in my job is being able to discover a way around the challenge/obstacles to get to a final resolution. Plus, I relish putting events together and I'm never happier than when I'm socializing (particularly with clients/prospective clients).

After meetings the better part of Tuesday, and dinner with some of my client's local counsel (we went to Dickie Brennan's Steakhouse in the Quarter-yum!) Tuesday night, Wednesday was spent in mediation with my client and another one of their attorneys. Thankfully, the case settled at mediation-Hallelujah! That night, our attorney took us to dinner in the Uptown section of NOLA (nearby to where I live). Since my client is from out of town, she hadn't really spent much time Uptown, and being the walking encyclopedia that he is regarding all things New Orleans, our attorney made the night delightful! Dinner was had at Lilette off Magazine and I highly recommend you stop by if you're in the area. The sticky toffee pudding and Nutella custard was, in a word, orgasmic.

After we finished dinner, we had a quick nightcap at the Columns Hotel on St Charles Avenue. What a treat! SO beautiful. Thursday was also spent in mediation, on a case we were, unfortunately, unable to settle. Thankfully, the memories of dinner the night before stayed with all throughout the tedious next day. I took some pics at the hotel, a place I hadn't been before September 30, 2009.

Many thanks to Brian and Mark, and Matthew for dinner Tuesday and Wednesday nights, respectively. Additional thanks to Matthew for all the hard work this past week.

They should put more meats on sticks....

Last Sunday was my first Alligator Festival in the sprawling town of Lulling, LA. If you don't happen to know where Lulling is, don't feel badly-neither do I!

I attended the fair with Shaun and Curtis and their kids, Savannah and Kyle (and Kyle's bff Corey). As soon as we got there, Kyle and Corey took off to do what young teenage boys will do (and what that is, I haven't the foggiest- - -never been a teenage boy before), leaving Savannah and I to ride the Festival rides.

I LOVE roller coasters, and always have. Unfortunately, though, these particular carnival rides were not exactly designed for someone 5'7". I have bruises on the tops of my thighs from trying to maneuver my legs out from under some of the safety bars! Savannah, who just turned 9 (see last post), rode everything with me, despite some serious reservations of the ride that hangs you completely upside down on multiple occasions. We had a great time, and neither one of us got sick (unlike Kyle!)!!

Got to see the end of one band, ate a cochon de lait po boy (pronounced: ko-shawn-de-lay), a carmel apple and some alligator (although not in that order) and got a nice redneck sunburn on my arms and chest. All-in-all, a delightful excursion and I stand by my former statement: they really should put more meats on sticks....who doesn't LOVE meat on a stick!?!?!

Didn't take many pics, but here are a few:

Thank God I'm just Aunt Jackie/Miss Jackie

I just got back from my friend Shaun's daughter's 9th birthday party. Twelve 7-11 year old girls, screaming, running, laughing, all trying to talk over one another......WOW. My ears hurt.

Anyone who knows me knows I positively ADORE kids. They are so much fun and can be so inspiring. One of the more painful things about my divorce was having to leave my niece and nephew-when they're the kids of your ex's brother, its not often that you get to continue having a relationship. I loved Maia and Joseph, loved seeing who they were growing up to become, and will always have them in my thoughts. I am so grateful and thankful that I have my sister's daughter Brianna in my world. That precocious little girl is the light of my life and I wish I got to see her more frequently....a major drawback to living three states away.

While children are such a blessing, after tonight, I am again reminded how much I LOVE ONLY being Aunt Jackie (or Miss Jackie to the kids of all my friends). As Aunt Jackie, I get to spoil the kids rotten, play with them until they have no energy left, pump 'em full of cookies and soda, then happily return them to mom and dad! Aunt Jackie doesn't have to discipline or ever be the bad guy; Aunt Jackie is always there for support or advice, and Aunt Jackie exposes them to new and exciting music and culture, like The Jackson 5. Sorry about that Leanna-Lanie WILL stop singing ABC one of these days, I promise! Best of all, Aunt Jackie doesn't have to constantly clean up after messes made by wee ones-when I'm done, that's it!

I love children, and nothing about that will ever change. I'm really looking forward to starting my volunteer work at Children's Hospital of New Orleans next week and plan to devote as much of my spare time to the hospital as possible. Perhaps, one of these days, I'll find someone suitable to breed with, but until then, friends of mine who happen to be parents, please take note: I consider it not only my job but my duty to love your children, give them everything I possibly can (including Diet Coke/Sprite, brownies, cookies, and bubble gum) then hand them back over to you completely hyped up and totally punch drunk w/happiness!

I'm sorry!

I am always the first person to step up and admit when I'm wrong, when I've messed up, and I genuinely try to take responsibility for all my actions-good and bad. My recent antics (see the reference to Labor Day in the last post) have hurt a couple people, one person in particular. I have no idea if this person checks out the blog or not, and even though I've apologized profusely, I remain plagued by guilt compounded by an utter uncertainty of exactly what I did wrong. I've tried to live my whole life with few regrets, and so far I've done pretty good. Despite that, I've managed to add yet another tick to the regret column.

Living through my childhood and my failed marriage, I can certainly attest to the fact that there are always going to be ups and downs in every relationship. Sometimes the people you love are going to disappoint you, such is the reality of life and love and people. What makes us human is our ability to continue to love people through the pain, step up to the plate and make amends, and to forgive. A lesson I've had a hard time learning is that you not only have to learn to forgive those that hurt you, but also forgive yourself. Self-loathing gets you absolutely nowhere.

So, with the above in mind, I will say one last "I really am sorry" and purge my own sadness from my heart; I am human and I make mistakes. Since music has always held a huge influence in my life, I'll close w/a passage from one of my favorite songs:


You see time, time is our friend
cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your love gives me strength enough
So have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

The Family Came and took NOLA by storm!

Mom, Beck, Brianna, and Trev all stopped in for a visit at the end of July. I never really realized how much I'd miss Mom, Becky, and Bre until I was an 8 hour drive away. I've missed Trevor like crazy for years, but being so far away from loved ones is just a sacrifice of the service man, so even though I cry like a banshee every time I have to send him off on a plane, I've learned to accept the pain. At least I didn't have to send him back to California in his fatigues this time...that always makes it much worse, like I'm sending my baby brother off to war.

I, unfortunately, couldn't take the whole week off, but the family was able to entertain themselves w/touristy things, plus, Trev and Mom built my computer while I was at the office, and for that, I'll always be grateful. I took them crabbing w/my friend Shaun and her family. They had a great time and I will forever be thankful to The Harris/Murray family for showing my fam such hospitality.

Mom had a difficult time w/the humidity (I guess I've just grown tolerant) and with as small as my apartment is, having one bathroom for 4 adults, after one week in only 450sq ft, I think we were all in need of some more space (and better air conditioning!). My family is crazy (and please don't take offense, cause I share the same blood), but I wouldn't have it any other way, and I'm so happy I got to see them all (esp Trevor before he gets deployed again this November).

Here are some pics:

Work, Shower, Rinse, Repeat

Haven't blogged in a couple weeks, mostly just cause nothing is going on. I think my friend Jennifer put it best when asked about her activities : "Work, Shower, Rinse, Repeat."


I told myself that I worked non-stop in Atlanta because I was just so busy, but I think the reality was I just didn't want to be at home dealing w/the painful collapse of my marriage. I've come to discover, however, that I really am a workaholic. So, aside from putting in the time at the office and being on Facebook continuously (thanks for whoever invented THAT!), I mostly just sleep and chill w/the domesticated beasts. I realize it's neither fun nor exciting, but it is the reality.


My sister and the baby (I'll always refer to her as the baby, despite how old she gets) came by for Labor Day. Aside from drinking so much I blacked out and can't remember more than half the night (NOT one of my finer moments), we had a good time. Thanks for taking care of me, sissy. We went to the beach w/some friends and their kids, which Brianna loved, and out on a boat to see coastal Mississippi and some of the destruction still remaining from Hurricane Katrina. I simply can't imagine how anyone lived through such destruction.

On a positive note, I'm starting volunteer work at Children's Hospital here in New Orleans very soon. Gotta get a TB test and then I should be set. I adore children and have been blessed to know so many wonderful little people (not midgets). Since I may never have any of my own, I thought it was time to start giving back to the wee ones that have touched my soul.
I'll keep you posted on how it goes!