Amidst the flurrie of activity last week, I haven't really had much time to sit and think. Things are getting easier, after losing Dallas, but being gone for a week made me feel remarkably guilty. Levi was at home for 4 1/2 days w/only occasional human interaction when my neighbor came over to feed him. The second I walked in the door, he was stuck to me like glue. Of course, by that time, I was so exhausted from little, restful sleep over the course of the week that all I did was rest. To that end, sleep was essentially all I did today too, but Levi was content to snuggle up next to me and/or sleep on my head....he was happy just to know I was home!
My 31st birthday was this past week. I had dinner w/my closest girlfriends, who, for all intents and purposes, are actually my sisters. As Brooke and I were talking, I came to the realization that I have, absolutely, no idea how I got here. I blinked and high school was gone. I closed my eyes for just one second and college had flown by. Marriage, divorce, birth, death, moving, and changing.....all have happened in my lifetime, and at 31, I sit here, amazed, by how quickly time has passed.
Along w/the realization of the constantly flowing hourglass came a tremendous amount of sadness. Being married to Ronnie meant sacrificing most of the relationships I had w/friends and spending less time w/my family. He never cared for any of my friends and the only real people he wanted to spend any time w/were his own family members. Don't get me wrong, when we lived in Commerce, I wasn't too keen on driving all over God's Green Earth to see everyone all the time either, but telling him that I was going out for Girl's Night and was planning on just spending the night at one of the girl's houses produced so much arguing that I chucked my friends to the curb just to NOT have to deal w/him. At dinner on Thursday night, talking about bachlorette parties, weddings, showers, get togethers etc., I realized exactly how much I've missed out on, how many memories I don't have.
Most of my friends are now married and having kids, and I don't feel like I'm ANYWHERE close to being ready for any of it. The divorce seems like it was just yesterday. I still, in my head at least, feel like I'm a lot younger than I actually am, and feel like I have plenty of time. The reality, though, is that none of us know how much time we actually have. The best any of us can do is make the most of the time we have.
I'm 31 now, how I got here I still have no idea, but from now through every day in the future, I will continue to live my life to the fullest, love the people I can (making sure they KNOW how much I love them), and make as many memories as possible. I may not be able to take any of my material things with me from one life to the next, but the imprinting left on my soul through the love and happiness I receive out of being with those I care about will undoubtedly stay with me forever.
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