2009-A Year in Review

Seems the month of January got away from me! We're already 23 days into 2010, and I'm just now sitting down to write this entry. Its not that I haven't had the time, I just too often find that I have a difficult time articulating myself-shocking, I know-and writing gets put on the back burner.

2009 was challenging, to say the least. I had to learn to live completely by myself, in a strange and new place. I've never had to live alone before, to only be responsible for answering to myself. The beginning of the year found me running loose in the city, not quite sure WHAT to do w/my newly found independence. To say that I was a little reckless would probably be putting it mildly. I was entirely UN-Jackie-like. A little carelessness was part of what I needed, though, to start putting away the past and looking toward a new future. Don't worry, Mom, drugs never entered into the picture; I'm just a little too afraid of dying (and losing my job) to cross that line.

I also had to say goodbye to my best friend and companion for the last 11 years, Miss Dallas. She was my cornerstone for my entire adult life, and although I've had to say goodbye to pets before, nothing was as hard as losing Dallas. She fought a brave and courageous battle against cancer and chronic kidney failure, but in the end, the disease was simply too much for her to bear. I miss her every single day. Levi and I have both had to make the transition to being without Dallas, something that's proven very difficult for the two of us. Rest in peace, Sweet Pea.

Work has been just that-work. It's taken some time to get used to the different personalities and temperaments in my new office. I left a nice, new, big, close-to-a window cubical in a 21 story high-rise office building where most people came dressed in suits and ties everyday, to work in a 5 story, pretty shoddy building, in a cubical that has relatively poor light and is nowhere near a window. I can't tell if its day or night outside-it's like working in a strip club w/out the nakedness or the alcohol. I'm fortunate, though, to have made a few close friends in the new office-they're truly great people who have definitely made my transition easier.

Toward the end of 2009, I began volunteering at Children's Hospital here in the city. Some days are more active than others-I occasionally just answer phones and do paperwork-but every bit of help is needed and appreciated by the staff and the patients. While I knew it would be a rewarding and fulfilling experience, I can honestly say I love working at the hospital. It has definitely given me a new found appreciation for the nursing staff and every parent who has had to deal with a sick/injured child.

For 2010, my goals are simple. First, I've got to move out of this apartment. I adore the location, and I love the quaint charm and character of the building, but I'm ready for some modern day convenience. A bathtub and a dishwasher would be nice. Off-street parking would be good too. Summer temps will settle into New Orleans sooner than I care to imagine, and the thought of having another $300 electric bill for ONE month, in a 450 sq ft apartment, makes my stomach turn.

Second, its time to step up my philanthropic work. In a town surrounded by corrupt politicians, New Orleans is a city that has so much need. I've found a battered woman's shelter through the Catholic Charities that needs volunteers to prepare and serve meals that I hope to be able to sign up with very soon. I'd also like to organize a team of folks to work at a Habitat for Humanity home one Saturday. Unfortunately, though, I'm finding that many of the people in my office are not exactly inclined to want to give much of their time to help others. Don't get me wrong, there are a FEW folks, but the second I mentioned that I'd need a commitment for ONE WHOLE Saturday, I got a whole lot of push back from the majority. I guess one of my side goals needs to be to learn how to persuade and influence people!

Third, I want to start expanding my horizons by trying new things. That's why, starting next Tuesday, I will begin a weekly painting class. I bought my brushes this past Friday along w/some acrylic paint. My mother is a wonderful artist and designer, and honestly, I have no idea if any of that ability passed on down to me, but I'm certainly willing to take a stab and find out! If painting doesn't work out, maybe pottery will. If that doesn't take, I don't know....maybe try my hand at paper mache?

Fourth, and finally, I need to get back to taking care of me-eating right, exercising and yoga, vitamins, etc. etc. etc. I haven't been sleeping well lately, and I think it's my body and mind's way of telling me that after a year, they're ready to get re-centered. I still don't know how I feel about dating-I've yet to meet a single man here who's peaked my interest (except maybe one up at the hunting camp that I met over New Year's....but that's a story for later!). We'll see. Everything happens when it's supposed to.

So for now, that's my recap of 2009 and my goals for 2010. I'm excited about what this year holds in store and am looking forward to Mardi Gras, crawfish boils, crabbing, and festivals, to name a few. Out with the old, and in with the new!

374 Days Later

A sobering thought occurred to me a couple of days ago: I've been in New Orleans for an entire year already.... A whole year has passed since I packed up my gear and left Atlanta.... 52 weeks have lapsed since the day I officially moved out of the house I shared with my husband in Commerce to move to a town where I knew no one. So much has happened in the passing of a year that it's difficult to wrap my head around it all.

I don't regret leaving Georgia. It was the only way Ronnie was ever going to fully understand that our marriage was over, and Lord knows I needed a fresh start-a break from the lunacy. Between everything I went through because of the false allegations of a disgruntled employee, to the personal struggles I went through to end a 13 year relationship, let me just say a big "Thank you" to the man who invented anti-depressants! God bless you, my friend. The expression "beautiful disaster" certainly comes to mind.

When I made the decision to move to Louisiana, I told myself I'd give it at least two years to make a final decision on whether or not I'd stay in New Orleans for any length of time. It's a big decision to relocate, one that takes a good deal of planning for ahead of time. Recently, I've been contemplating whether or not to move back to Atlanta at the end of my self-imposed two year timeline, move down to FLA to be closer to my grandparents, or to simply stay here.

I love where I live in NOLA. My apartment has character and history, and even though the floors and walls aren't straight, the kitchen is the size of a closet, and I have no off-street parking, I'm happy here. I have everything I need within walking distance-bars, shops, pharmacy, grocery, coffee shops. There's always something to do if I feel like going out to a movie or a club, and if I feel like staying in, I'm perfectly at my leisure to do so. I'd prefer to have some single friends with whom I had something in common, but at this point in my life, married, settled friends are nice-there's no pressure there. In a way, the situation has actually given me time to grieve and deal with the emotional baggage and loss that comes with divorce. I'm still a long way from being at a point where I'd like to be in another relationship, and frankly, I'm not certain if I'll ever want to get married again, but I feel like I'm making progress sorting everything out.

I haven't made up my mind what I want to do regarding my home base, but thankfully, I still have more time to make a decision. I do know that I miss my friends and family so much that it physically hurts my heart sometimes. I long for lunches w/Amy, seeing my niece all the time, going to hockey games w/Jenn, and having our girls nights w/many bottles of wine and Apples to Apples. I yearn to see the sunsets in GA over the breathtaking downtown skyline and God, I miss good barbecue and soul food like you can only get in the A!

Until I can make a final choice on where to live long term, I'm looking forward to my first real Christmas in New Orleans (I didn't really celebrate last year since I'd just moved in) and I'm counting the many blessings I've had over this past year in my new home. I honestly wasn't too sure I'd make it, but I guess they call it "faith" for a reason.....

And the Award goes to....

Many thanks to the lovely Katrina for my Kreativ Blogger Award! http://anotherbrooksbaby.blogspot.com/




Here are The Rules:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award. (Check)
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog. (Check)
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award. (Check)
4. Write 7 things about yourself that people may not know. (See Below)
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers. (Umm, I don't know 7 bloggers, so.....)
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate. (See #5 above)
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs, letting them know they’ve been nominated. (Again, #5)

Seven Things You Might Not Know About Me:

1. I believe it's possible to love your animals MORE than some human beings and still NOT be certifiable.

2. Despite how much I loathe indecision in other people, I, myself, often suffer from the inability to make swift decisions (and I HATE that about myself).

3. I really wish I had a closer relationship with my mother.

4. I hope to retire early and live out my days on a while sailboat w/a huge white sail, drifting about the Caribbean.

5. I don't know how to sail.

6. I think the key to a happy existence is in learning not to worry about the things out of your control, learning to forgive yourself and others (INCLUDING your parents), seizing happiness whenever it abounds, and learning to appreciate the simple things in life: a good song, the intoxicating smell of a good-looking man, the delicate, warm breeze off the ocean, the laughter of a child, an ice-cold beer.

7. I have freakishly small hands and salt my food in a highly unusual manner.

31 years in, and I still feel no wiser

Amidst the flurrie of activity last week, I haven't really had much time to sit and think. Things are getting easier, after losing Dallas, but being gone for a week made me feel remarkably guilty. Levi was at home for 4 1/2 days w/only occasional human interaction when my neighbor came over to feed him. The second I walked in the door, he was stuck to me like glue. Of course, by that time, I was so exhausted from little, restful sleep over the course of the week that all I did was rest. To that end, sleep was essentially all I did today too, but Levi was content to snuggle up next to me and/or sleep on my head....he was happy just to know I was home!

My 31st birthday was this past week. I had dinner w/my closest girlfriends, who, for all intents and purposes, are actually my sisters. As Brooke and I were talking, I came to the realization that I have, absolutely, no idea how I got here. I blinked and high school was gone. I closed my eyes for just one second and college had flown by. Marriage, divorce, birth, death, moving, and changing.....all have happened in my lifetime, and at 31, I sit here, amazed, by how quickly time has passed.

Along w/the realization of the constantly flowing hourglass came a tremendous amount of sadness. Being married to Ronnie meant sacrificing most of the relationships I had w/friends and spending less time w/my family. He never cared for any of my friends and the only real people he wanted to spend any time w/were his own family members. Don't get me wrong, when we lived in Commerce, I wasn't too keen on driving all over God's Green Earth to see everyone all the time either, but telling him that I was going out for Girl's Night and was planning on just spending the night at one of the girl's houses produced so much arguing that I chucked my friends to the curb just to NOT have to deal w/him. At dinner on Thursday night, talking about bachlorette parties, weddings, showers, get togethers etc., I realized exactly how much I've missed out on, how many memories I don't have.

Most of my friends are now married and having kids, and I don't feel like I'm ANYWHERE close to being ready for any of it. The divorce seems like it was just yesterday. I still, in my head at least, feel like I'm a lot younger than I actually am, and feel like I have plenty of time. The reality, though, is that none of us know how much time we actually have. The best any of us can do is make the most of the time we have.

I'm 31 now, how I got here I still have no idea, but from now through every day in the future, I will continue to live my life to the fullest, love the people I can (making sure they KNOW how much I love them), and make as many memories as possible. I may not be able to take any of my material things with me from one life to the next, but the imprinting left on my soul through the love and happiness I receive out of being with those I care about will undoubtedly stay with me forever.

No Air

This entry is going to take me awhile to get through because I have to keep stopping to wipe away my tears. I had to say goodbye to Dallas on Monday and my heart and soul ache.

Before I moved out here last year, I took both Levi and Dallas in for check-ups and shots. It was at this visit that Dallas was diagnosed w/breast cancer. After running a more comprehensive blood panel, they also determined that she was in renal failure. Having lost both Shaky and Zeke to CRF, I was not about to lose my Sweet Pea to the same damned disease.

Dallas' doctor and I came up with a game plan-come out w/all guns firing. After spending 3 days in the hospital on IV fluids, the vet determined it was safe enough to proceed with the surgery to remove the tumor. Because cancer tends to metastasize easily in both humans and cats, the decision was made to remove the entire mammary chain (the equivalent of a complete mastectomy rather than just lump removal). As you can imagine, the surgery was rough; Dallas developed complications that are common after surgery, even for people....fluid build-up around the lungs, for example. What made this time so much more difficult was that I was going through the end stages of the divorce and not even living w/Dallas at the time. In the end, she came through the surgery and only ended up popping one staple.

Several weeks later, both Dallas and Levi were with me in the moving van, driving to New Orleans to begin our new life. My Baby Girl endured constant trials in our attempt to manage the renal failure-daily fluid injections, meds of every kind put down her throat, routine bouts of nausea and vomiting, recurring ulcers and constipation-you name it, and she had it. Through all the treatments and side effects, though, Dallas bared everything w/strength and grace.


Dallas was my rock and my touchstone. She was my 20th birthday present and I chose her specifically. I can remember the day I got her, exactly what I was wearing, and how I felt holding her the first time. She slept curled up in the top of my overalls ALL the way to the vet to be checked out! Ronnie frequently made quips that I loved her more than I did him, and sitting here right now, it's hard to say such a statement ISN'T true in some respects. One of the hardest parts of going through my separation was having to leave my baby behind. The trips I made up there every week were JUST to spend time with Dallas and Levi.

Dallas saw me through everything : she stayed up with me during my late night cramming sessions for college, played with me when I was bored around the house, sat on top of my desk when I worked from home, and tried to comfort me every time Ronnie and I fought-w/out fail, amidst the shouting and yelling, Dallas would come and find me in whatever room I was in trying to get away from the husband, crawl up on my lap, give me a reassuring meow and corresponding head-butt, and snuggle up next to me until I stopped crying.


The day Dallas died, I felt like I lived an entire week in one day. Driving home from the doctor's office, I couldn't catch my breath...it just wasn't possible to fill my lungs w/air. Some will think me silly for placing so much emphasis on the life of a cat, treating the loss like it was that of a human being. I don't have children, and I may never-only God knows the ultimate outcome of that topic. I do know, however, that I treat my animals LIKE they are my kids-I teach them manners and how to behave; I take them to the doctor for wellness visits and when they're sick; I'm concerned with what they eat and try to ensure they get adequate nutrition; I brush them to make sure they're groomed properly and not looking wild; and I love them with everything I have. For all of this, I think I am entitled to my grief.

I know this gets easier. At 30, I've lived through enough to know that "this too shall pass". Eventually, I won't think I see Dallas everywhere, or mistake that I hear her meowing from another room. Sometime, wanting to take a nap and knowing that she won't be there to curl up under the covers with me will be easier to take. One day, the thought of coming home and NOT seeing her there won't hurt so badly. Until that day, though, its just me and Levi trying to cope with missing our best friend.


No Air
Jordan Sparks

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?

If I should die before I wake
It's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air, oh

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
If there was a way that I could make you understand


But how do you expect me
To live alone with just me?
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
There's no air, no air


Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon' be without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
There's no air, no air

I walk, I ran, I jump, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
With no gravity to hold me down for real


But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath but I survived
I don't know how but I don't even care

So how do you expect me
To live alone with just me?
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe


Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
There's no air, no air

Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon' be without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
There's no air, no air.

Work, work, work and more work

This week has been pretty hectic. I had my client in town, and an internal person new to my client's program, along w/a whole host of activities, dinners, meetings, etc. to attend and help coordinate. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy every minute of it, despite how mentally draining some of the events were. To be quite honest, though, I even enjoyed the brain-zapping mediation sessions, and no, I'm not a masochist. I just really, REALLY like what I do for a living-not in the way becoming a doctor would have been emotionally and psychologically rewarding; we all know that I'm not changing the world by adjusting claims and managing a desk. This job has its definite challenges and it helps to be able to "think outside the box" and get creative sometimes. Anyone who knows me knows I love a challenge and love to argue, so part of the fun I find in my job is being able to discover a way around the challenge/obstacles to get to a final resolution. Plus, I relish putting events together and I'm never happier than when I'm socializing (particularly with clients/prospective clients).

After meetings the better part of Tuesday, and dinner with some of my client's local counsel (we went to Dickie Brennan's Steakhouse in the Quarter-yum!) Tuesday night, Wednesday was spent in mediation with my client and another one of their attorneys. Thankfully, the case settled at mediation-Hallelujah! That night, our attorney took us to dinner in the Uptown section of NOLA (nearby to where I live). Since my client is from out of town, she hadn't really spent much time Uptown, and being the walking encyclopedia that he is regarding all things New Orleans, our attorney made the night delightful! Dinner was had at Lilette off Magazine and I highly recommend you stop by if you're in the area. The sticky toffee pudding and Nutella custard was, in a word, orgasmic.

After we finished dinner, we had a quick nightcap at the Columns Hotel on St Charles Avenue. What a treat! SO beautiful. Thursday was also spent in mediation, on a case we were, unfortunately, unable to settle. Thankfully, the memories of dinner the night before stayed with all throughout the tedious next day. I took some pics at the hotel, a place I hadn't been before September 30, 2009.

Many thanks to Brian and Mark, and Matthew for dinner Tuesday and Wednesday nights, respectively. Additional thanks to Matthew for all the hard work this past week.

They should put more meats on sticks....

Last Sunday was my first Alligator Festival in the sprawling town of Lulling, LA. If you don't happen to know where Lulling is, don't feel badly-neither do I!

I attended the fair with Shaun and Curtis and their kids, Savannah and Kyle (and Kyle's bff Corey). As soon as we got there, Kyle and Corey took off to do what young teenage boys will do (and what that is, I haven't the foggiest- - -never been a teenage boy before), leaving Savannah and I to ride the Festival rides.

I LOVE roller coasters, and always have. Unfortunately, though, these particular carnival rides were not exactly designed for someone 5'7". I have bruises on the tops of my thighs from trying to maneuver my legs out from under some of the safety bars! Savannah, who just turned 9 (see last post), rode everything with me, despite some serious reservations of the ride that hangs you completely upside down on multiple occasions. We had a great time, and neither one of us got sick (unlike Kyle!)!!

Got to see the end of one band, ate a cochon de lait po boy (pronounced: ko-shawn-de-lay), a carmel apple and some alligator (although not in that order) and got a nice redneck sunburn on my arms and chest. All-in-all, a delightful excursion and I stand by my former statement: they really should put more meats on sticks....who doesn't LOVE meat on a stick!?!?!

Didn't take many pics, but here are a few: